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MY EXPERIENCE OF HEALING AFTER SEXUAL ABUSE AND HEALTHY SEXUALITY KasiaMay.com

SEXUAL ABUSE VS HEALTHY SEXUALITY THROUGH THE EYES OF AN ABUSED WOMEN


I would like to say a word about what healthy sexuality and sexual violence mean and how to start the healing process after the experience of sexual abuse or harassment. We live in a crazy world where people dominate others to feel better. The world where men take women to release the tension in their pants instead of seeing the Goddess who should be worshiped in every touch. The world where women are taught to be submissive, and in many cases sexual violence is denied. The world where people connect pleasure with pain. And a sexual act is like smoking, drinking, or compulsive eating… Its purpose is just releasing the tension, not expressing love.

WHO AM I TO TALK ABOUT IT?

You can ask me who I am to speak about sexuality and healing after abuse. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and a woman abused and harassed many times in her adult life. I am a woman who decided to start her life over after a difficult past. I cut ties with abusive people, including my family, I got divorced, I changed my name, I moved abroad, I started building my dream life, speaking for the women in pain, sharing my tips to reduce stress, and find more joy in life, and supporting others. I am also a woman who experienced harassment again two days ago, and it triggered me to take a voice.  

I am Kasia May. The last name I picked for myself means that I may do everything if I only want. And I would like to tell you that you too. Even if we still have difficult experiences that break our hearts. It is very important to make violence called by name, to know what is the opposite of the experience we had, and be aware where the journey to have a better life goes. 

Let’s make a clear differentiation between sexual violence and healthy sexuality because in many cases if a woman was not attacked by a stranger on the street, it is justified. While the most important thing in healing is to acknowledge what happened and be heard. 

DEFINITION OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE

And if you are reading my words, it means that we have a lot in common. We both experienced the pain of abuse or harassment, we look for a way to be free of it and we don’t want to repeat it in the future. But in this crazy world, many crimes are socially approved, and the victims lost in the vicious circle of violence and denied again and again that only makes our wounds bleeding more. Please, listen to me carefully:

My dear, you experienced sexual violence if anyone ever used you to release their sexual tension instead of worshiping your feminine body to give you pleasure in an intimate situation you both created. A stranger, a boss, a family member, or even a partner or a husband. It doesn’t matter. It happened every time when you didn’t feel that sexual gesture or an act built a stronger connection between you, and make you feel important and loved. Not only desired. 

WE ARE TAUGHT THAT SEXUAL DOMINATION IS NORMAL

The thing is we are taught that male domination over women, the sexual instinct released on the female body are normal. And the closer someone is to you, the more rights to use your body this person has although the truth is the only person that owns your body is you. And the more trust you have in someone, the more difficult it is to acknowledge what happened and heal it. Both victims and society justify it easily. 

It is repeated: It was just a word because I had a nice dress. Just a hand on my knee, not a big deal. It is my husband and it means that he desires me so much that it overwhelms him. It seems normal for most of the people that when a woman says ‘yes’ one time, a man just comes to her again and again to take her. They started sexual life together, people say. And it seems like it is a good partner when he gives her pleasure to make her ready. Is he impatient in this? Of course, it is a man, and his sexual needs are huge! 

When a man beats a woman, it is violence. But when he jumps on her with all his body, it is called passion and desire…, isn’t it crazy?

HEALTHY SEXUALITY IS ABOUT GIVING 

But imagine two people who are crazy in love the way that they see a God and a Goddess in themselves. Every touch and every kiss is like saying ‘I love you, I see the best in you and I cherish every moment with you’.  This love is about celebrating every moment and every piece of your body. This love is about being connected more and more, longer and longer. It is not just fulfilling sexual needs. It is about giving pleasure to beloved in the act of love. 

Healthy sexuality means that nothing is taken from you. Moreover, the pleasure is given to you not to prepare you to have sex, or force you to give because you were receiving and now it is your turn to satisfy the partner. Sex is about giving patiently and without expectations because it is an expression of love, the appreciation of who you are, and feeling honored to spend time and share intimacy with you. In this love, you are free to express the love yourself the way you feel like and when you feel a calling to do it. In this love, you own your body and make a decision to open it for a connection with a man when you are ready. In this love, you are respected and the man waits for your ‘yes’.  And he makes sure that he doesn’t misunderstand you.

DON’T TAKE  RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT HAPPENED

We don’t have a problem saying that a woman was raped when a stranger attacked her on the street. But when we talk about men we personally know, everybody looks for excuses. I would like to tell you, that if any time you had felt used, it doesn’t matter who made you feel like this and in which circumstances. You are a victim of violence, a Goddess who was not respected enough, and a woman who deserves empathy and love to heal. 

No matter how you were dressed up, and if you said no or not. No matter how you reacted because how to be angry and fight when everybody says it is normal or it is not a big deal or he has a right to do it. No matter it was a stranger or your partner. The responsibility for the violence belongs to the person who used you by not waiting for your invitation and not loving you the way that makes you feel happy, important, respected, and free to decide about your body. 

TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR HEALING

Yes, we are human and we can be overwhelmed by emotions and instinct, but when we lose control and act out in a way that destroys somebody, we are aggressors 100% responsible for our actions, and there is no excuse. My dear, don’t let anyone deny you when you feel used, and don’t feel guilty. Call it violence. Give the responsibility for what happened to the person who hurt you. And take responsibility for your healing. 

First of all, find someone to talk to about what happened. Don’t hold it inside. Give yourself the chance to be listened and understood. Admit in front of someone you trust that it happened to you and share your pain into two. I promise, one day you and I will know how to feel the violence in the air, and we will close the door before we feel violated. 

If you ever experienced sexual violence, look for a therapist or a survivor with who you can share. If you would like to talk with me, you can find more information about online appointments at LessStressMoreJoy.com

Photo by Ava Sol on Unsplash

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