Forgiving is not a therapeutic method

Forgiving is not therapeutic. It is a bullshit you should do that!

Have you ever heard you have to forgive people who hurt you? Have you heard without forgiving you will not find peace? You will not feel better after what happened to you? Or you will not go to heaven? What a bullshit! That’s a fucking bullshit repeated by society, church, and even some therapists!

Dear, you don’t have to forgive anyone. Moreover, you should not do it to let yourself feel angry with the people who hurt you or didn’t protect you or didn’t support you when you needed it. That anger will help you in healing. That anger is necessary to feel better! The anger which is not possible to be felt when you try to forgive. The anger which is suppressed when something bad is happening to you and you are powerless, you can’t stop the person who is hurting you, you can’t find a way off when something hurtful is happening. There is a lot of anger and your job to help yourself is to free it.

Anger is very stigmatized in our society. We stop children when they are angry, saying ‘don’t be rude, be polite’. We are afraid of some people because they are so much angry that they seem aggressive. We express our negative emotions towards others anonymously on the internet or we complain a lot to deal with our anger. In my view, it looks like complaining and judging other people are the only ways to let the anger out which are socially approved…

But they are never enough to feel better because mostly when we complain or judge others we are not aware of the fact the things around us and people we meet are not responsible for our feelings. We are not aware of the fact emotions we feel are about a need to release tension we carry in our bodies. We have to release that tension to stay alive and our subconsciousness looks at everything as a chance to let us express the anger we keep inside. I need to repeat:  it is not enough this way! We need to connect with our anger consciously and we need to send it into the right direction to let it go, feel better, be happier.

But we don’t want to be angry because we are taught it is rude, we deserve punishment when we express anger, we are accepted by others only when we don’t show our negative emotions. That’s the way most of us were raised. That has been the most popular way of parenting. Popular and dangerous because it creates people who are unable to protect themselves, who have problems with setting boundaries and who release their anger in uncontrolled ways like judging others, complaining and even violence.

Anger is just an emotion which is a part of our survival instinct. It is natural and we need it to stay alive. It appears when someone crosses our boundaries. It warns us that something is dangerous to us and makes us stop it. So it let us protect ourselves by saying stop or fighting when it is necessary. Anger also warns us – or our parents and caretakers when we are children – that our needs are not fulfilled and it is time to take care of them. It is like anger is a best friend who cares about our safety, our comfort and our development to the fullest.   

So instead of the tries to forgive other people what they did not or did to you, maybe just try to connect with your anger and befriend it. You don’t have to forgive anyone but you are responsible for your life and you deserve to be happy. It is possible that forgiveness you try to feel now will come to you itself one day when you don’t wait for it. It is not a rule but some people experienced that as a result of expressing all the negative emotions towards those who hurt them and didn’t protect them. But as I said – it is not necessary. You don’t have to forgive anyone.

Please, don’t listen to those who tell you that you should forgive. They have no idea what is therapeutic and what is not. They have no idea what is good for you. Choose to be authentic. Choose to be yourself. You are beautiful and good enough the way you are. No matter what you do and what you feel. Sending you much love <3

Thank you Wendy Corniquet for a photo: